Why I Don’t Consider Myself A Musician

Even though I’ve been doing music forever, I don’t consider myself a musician. In this post you’ll read why.

I grew up singing. Like everywhere I would go. I was that loud, annoying child constantly singing at the top of her lungs in stores and restaurants. I’d approach strangers, ask them their name and start serenading them with “This Little Light Of Mine,” or “Jesus Loves Me This I Know.” Once my parents had discovered that singing was a talent I possessed, they began entering me in talent contests. Oodles of them, (seriously.) Music was something that made me happy, something I loved and was never ashamed of.

But as I got older, things changed. I remember as an 8th grader I was asked to sing the National Anthem at a basketball game because they didn’t have someone scheduled to do it and I just happened to be wondering around outside the gym. I was stoked, and thought “is this really happening?” It was like my first gig! After I sang it once, I began to get frequently asked, even though normally you’d have to audition (as a high schooler) through the choir teacher. But after awhile, this great privilege was something I grew to hate.

Why?

Every time I sang it, my peers would mock me, laugh and make fun of me. Say I “embellished too much.”

When I was a freshman in high school, there was a talent show in front of the entire school. I had no intention of trying out. I thought, “no way, everyone’s just going to make fun of me.” But my mom insisted that I try out, (forced really haha), so I did and I made the cut to sing in front of the school. Most people would be stoked right? Well, I was literally terrified. Like I was shaking, thought maybe I’d vomit.

I did my own rendition of “Time After Time,” and made it through my performance puke-free, but once the show was over, all anyone said was “she’s so stuck on herself,” “did you see what she was wearing?” “she embellishes too much,” “she thinks she’s sooo great,” when in reality I thought I must suck. That’s what everyone was telling me, and I was starting to believe it. Every time I sang I just felt self conscience, and embarrassed. Embarrassed by a talent God had blessed me with. How messed up is that?

There was a time where I actually hated singing and performing. I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself, never smiled while performing because I didn’t want people to be under the impression that I thought I was “so great,” like everyone seemed to think I did. Needless to say, my confidence level was at an all time low.

I was part of a traveling youth ministry called “Faith Sound” all four years in high school. There was about twenty members: three sopranos, three altos, three tenors, and three basses. Then we had a rhythm (took me like ten minutes to spell that) section, and brass section. I was an alto, which was kind of weird for me, considering for the longest time I aspired to be an opera singer and obviously considered myself a soprano, BUT I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and try out the alto spot. Altos sang all the harmonies, and I wanted to experiment with that.

Faith Sound was the first stepping stone in my music career. I was able to perform for complete strangers, people that didn’t know me, people that I knew wouldn’t make fun of me.

It was solely just churches and fairs, where I didn’t know anybody, that I sang. I tried extremely hard to refrain from singing in front of people in my school and home town. But in my room, you’d find me singing all the time. Like with a hairbrush and all, having my own little concert in front of my mirror. I’m sure my siblings loved me hardcore for that.

Songwriting is something I’ve been doing a lot over the past six years. I used to come up with stuff while I was in the shower, but would immediately forget it upon drying off. So, for Christmas one year, I got a little recorder so that I could start recording these songs. When I was 15, I started take guitar lessons and my songwriting just took off.

I was a junior is high school when, after much thought and a few “pro & con” lists, I made myself a youtube account. I can remember my sister saying, “It’s about time. The world needs to know who you are.”

I was astounded by the comments I would get on my covers and originals. Such encouragement and kind words, something I didn’t hear very often. I actually started gaining some confidence, something I hadn’t had in a very long time. Eventually, my sister talked me into created a Facebook Page for my music. I was hesitant, because I was afraid what people from school would say, but after much convincing from her, I created one anyway.

I’ve improved so much and have grown leaps and bounds since high school, but because I let people and their snide comments get to me, I was held back, and I still haven’t completely broken free from that. In the back of my head I still catch me telling myself, “don’t get into the song too much, people will think you’re stuck on yourself,” “don’t promote yourself too much, people will think you’re conceded.”

Worship leading has seriously been the most amazing experience I’ve ever had. I’ve been forced to step out of my comfort zone in more ways then one, and I’ve learned that it’s okay to get into the song too much, that’s what worship is! It’s not only challenged me to better my stage presence (which still needs MUCH improvement), but has also helped me build up the confidence I should have had growing up. I can’t tell you how much it means to hear compliments and encouragement from you. When I’m approached with kind words about my talent people always say, “I’m sure you get that all the time,” but the truth is I don’t, and I haven’t. I know I’ve been blessed with a talent, but often times I still sell myself short and compare myself to others who also been blessed with musical abilities. I forget to remind myself that it’s not about being a better singer or instrumentalist than someone, it’s about how I choose to use my gift.

To me, a musician is someone who is not only skilled in their craft, but someone who possesses sheer confidence and is sure of who they are. I don’t like to call myself a musician because I haven’t yet reached that total confidence and assurance of who I am as an artist. But I promise you I will get there.